Why Minnesota Is Better Than Any Other State Or Country

If you have this on your pickup in MN, that means you are a good person.

Minnesota is a great place to live. Parts of it are habitable, anyway. Some parts you should stay away from; like the Iron Range, where the dirt is red and golf clubs fall out of the sky all the time and hit people; Boundary Waters, where scary Canadians might attack you, and the West, where people love George W. Bush and put up pro-life signs in their yards. Generally these parts of Minnesota are safe: 41.881096,-87.624335 and 51.50714,-0.126171.

The River

This exists because of Minnesota.

The word "Mississippi" is not only the subject of a cruel, humiliating children's joke ("Can you spell Mississippi?" "YEAH." "Spell it." "M-I-S-S..." "I said spell IT!" [raucous laughter; Liz...er...child goes crying off into the distance]) - it is also the largest river in the entire universe, and the giver of life, love, and happiness to all but two species of life on the planet (Smilodon fatalis and Homo sapiens subsist on cries of abandoned children). The Mississippi begins in northern Minnesota, where it obtains all the water for the entire world. We all know the world is 70% water; ergo, Minnesota constantly maintains 326 million trillion gallons of water. It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it. Also, my family's cabin is on the Mississippi...not to mention, hello, Mark Twain.

MPR

Useless info: I have this logo on my car.

One of the best things we have here in the land of 10,000 lakes is really good public radio (of which I am a member, biatches!). We have a public radio music station, where I fell in love with (among others) Ryan Adams (who wrote a song about me and then broke my heart into a million pieces that were then converted into new Ryan Adams albums), Jens Lekman, Mates of State, Annuals, Cinematic Orchestra, Air, and Bon Iver. You will never hear any Britney Spears on that channel. They have a special every few months called "Fakebook" where they interview a famous author or whatever and a band or musician. One good one recently was Nabin's BFF Chuck Klosterman and Tapes 'n' Tapes. Also, because it's public radio, it has no commercials (until the member drive, when there are "commercials" every 5 minutes). Also, they're obsessed with the local music scene, which honestly I could give or take. I'm not that impressed at the moment. I like my music super-processed and polished. Wall of sound. Autotune. That reminds me, Mariah Carey uses autotune on her newest song. This, to me, represents a new low. She is supposedly one of the best singers to ever exist in the history of the world, yet she uses a machine to help her pitch.

Banjonathan Gould

Anyway, the MPR news/talk channel is also really good. Uhhhhh....Prairie Home Companion is on it. There ya go, Goo. Despite the fact that 80% of the programming deals with stuff I couldn't care less about, and it's a prerequisite for broadcasters to have the weirdest voices humanly possible, I listen to it every day and I never seem to mind that they've been talking about the economy in North Dakota for 3 straight hours. Somehow they make it interesting. I have appointment radio on Saturdays for Car Talk and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, though those aren't MN shows.

$$$

Wedding band: instrument of deformity

The biggest claim to corporate fame that I have is the fact that I visit Target #1 approximately 4 times a week. In fact, I bet every single thing in this box I'm sending is from Target #1. I'm sure I'll buy my firstborn child there. Target was founded in Minnesota. It is a rite of passage here to work there for a summer. I did that in the summer of 2001. In my hometown, one store was closing and another better one was opening. I was tasked with packing up everything in the old store to send to the new one. This still confuses me – what made anyone thing that a female 19-year-old would be better suited at lifting boxes and shit as opposed to ringing up people's shit? Whatever. I can't complain, because I did actually like it better. We had to watch this safety video where some guy's finger gets cut off when his ring gets caught on something. (That will haunt me forever). My best friend
Emily worked with me, but we weren't allowed to directly work together. What's with the man keeping us down? We were 19 years old and just wanted to have a little fun at work. Full-time Target employees are pretty creepy. The SNL sketch is not far off. They do stretching every morning, and customers are referred to as "guests". Oh well, I have no real complaints about my time there. Anyway, I love store #1 and have been there so often I bet I could tell you where ANYTHING is. Test me.

"The main problem is texture. Pork shouldn't be fluffy."

I was just searching for Hormel, since it is a Minnesota company, and I really thought they made Spam. They totally do! Look at this pic from AVC. It totally has a Hormel logo on it. However, it isn't on their website. I don't have anything more to say on this subject.

CD-RW drives are pure sugar and empty calories.

Now on to my favorite producer of blank media and media storage: Imation. Imation is part of 3M. The reason I like this company is because they made colorful CD-Rs before anyone else did. Also, look at this ad. ADORABLE. They had one with CDs that looked like Lifesavers, too. For a while I only bought Imation CD-Rs and DVD-Rs, but now Sony makes colorful ones and their logo is less prominent, so I get those instead. Maybe I should go back to Imation. I kinda feel bad now.

Best Buy campus: approximately the size of Tokyo

On the technology subject, guess what big box retailer with an untruthful name started here and has its colossal corporate headquarters near the Mall of America? That's right, Worst Buy. Tired of paying a reasonable price for music? Want a terrible movie selection? Try Worst Buy. NEW! Some stores even have a musical instrument section, where you can try out and buy guitars, keyboards, and drums for no more or less than the suggested retail value! No gimmicks here. Worst Buy will force you to go to eBay to pay the price you want for a piano that will get cracked during shipping. Even better: Worst Buy just updated the Rewards program! Now, you have to spend all your points by the end of the year or you'll lose them, and if you don't make at least one purchase in a year, you won't be part of the program anymore. Way to turn away customers and remove any remaining incentive at all to shop at your store, you great company you! THIS is the reason all the little local record stores in America, the only places you could find your beloved Coldplay import singles, who had midnight release sales every Tuesday and a whiteboard full of handwritten upcoming albums, went out of business. Capitalism!

I wore a hole in my first pair of these.

Continuing with the massive multi-quadrillionaire companies, here's one that seems to have outgrown its original mission: 3M (Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing). Somehow I don't think tape and Post-it notes fall under the "mining" category, unless they mean "mining phone messages" or "mining Christmas presents". It should stand for Minnesota Moffice Msupplies. Anyway, what would we do without Post-its and tape? Just look at this package. How would I have done it without them? Additionally, I used a Scotch-Brite NailSaver sponge to clean the pans and utensils for the food, and I hung the drying cloth on a Command Adhesive hook. I wouldn't even be writing this if it weren't for my Thinsulate mittens, because my hands would have frozen off. Those mittens are among my favorite possessions. (None of those statements are lies).

Health Care

This might be the building where I had my eyes checked.

The Mayo Clinic was founded in my hometown of Rochester. It was great growing up there, because you (theoretically) got great health care and our town had a good reputation because of it. Rochester was named best place to live in America in like 1997. Funnily, in the same year (whichever it was) my best childhood friend's hometown of Ajijic, Mexico was named the best place to retire in North America (or maybe the world, but probably not). Rochester's reputation slid when it started sleeping around with Owatonna, its younger, less mature neighbor. Rochester no longer holds its once-proudly-borne title, and now apparently has a gang problem, which is laughable in a town of barely 100,000, but the Clinic (as we locals call it - we also call the Miss-sip “The River” and the Twin Cities “The Cities”) barrels onward like a freight train of medical know-how. The problem with the Clinic is that it's massive. It takes up our entire "downtown" area (which is admittedly about 5 city blocks). It might be more than that, but who the hell knows? All the buildings are tall, anyway, and connected by both skyway AND subway. I don't think even 30-year employees can find their way around there. As a child, it's like a trip to Disney World when you get to go to the Clinic.

Photograph of me during my operation

I've had eye problems since I was 4, and so every so often I'd get to miss school, get dressed up, and take a trip downtown. Then we'd walk for miles on the skyway and the subway, and go up and down 27 elevators until we got to the first waiting room. We'd wait there for my name to be called, and then we'd go to a second waiting room. Most of the time there was also a third one, which was kid-friendly and had toys and books. Then we'd go into the doctor's office finally and wait some more before my eye exam, which also frequently included another room with a different, larger vision test machine. Those were special times that I shall cherish forever. My parents are probably still scarred from those experiences, because I'm sure a Clinic ophthalmologist was REAL affordable. His name was Dr. Hohberger, which always reminds me of hamburgers. He was pretty nice, though, which is more than I can say for some eye doctors. The guy who did my eye muscle surgery a couple of years ago was kind of aloof. Is it so much to ask for a little small talk when you're going to be cutting my eyes out of my head and reattaching them?

$$$$

Mill Ruins Park, the coolest park around

I forgot to enter this before, and it is unbelievably hard to lay this thing out, so I'm just putting it here. Minneapolis was founded and grew to the size it is now because it was a mill town. Tons of mill-related industries started here (such as General Mills - original name, huh?) However, the mills here are prone to explosions and fires (much like anything I come into contact with). Consequently, a lot of downtown is full of broken down buildings. It's like Ancient Greece in the middle of Hong Kong. Malt-O-Meal, if you've heard of that (They make cereal mostly), has a big plant in this little town called Northfield, which is about 45 minutes south of the metro area. I wanted to go there for college really bad (St. Olaf College) but my mom put the kibosh on it. It's a private school, and we didn't have the money. Anyway, because of the plant it always smells really good in that town, like baking bread or something. Or making cereal, I guess.

First Avenue

First Avenue is probably my favorite place to be on earth. I have had many, many incredible experiences there, including the time when Coldplay dedicated a song to me. It's a wonderful place. All the stars on the outside have names of bands that have played there. I've seen Coldplay, Death Cab, Jimmy Eat World, Andrew Bird, Fiery Furnaces, etc etc etc there. The best part is that you can reserve little tables, of which they only have 4 or 5, in the balcony and while you're sitting down enjoying the show from a perfect viewpoint, you can gloat at everyone else who has to stand. (It's always General Admission except for those few tables).

Honestly right now I'm a little tired of writing this. I could go on forever, but I have exhausted myself from all the excitement and overabundance of ideas. So, in conclusion, CHIL-DREN, CHIL-DREN, FU-TURE, FU-TURE.

MN

I am writing this "essay" on Minnesota which I personally find hysterical. This is probably one of the best things I have ever written. I'll post it in a couple of weeks, but I just wanted to let y'all know it was coming. Prepare for some Laffs.

 

[sticks pin in skull to deflate head]

Something that bothers me

I just saw someone on TV say "I can't be happy without you." Generally, this is deemed romantic, right? The girl on TV seemed happy. What pisses me off is that when someone is actually without someone, and isn't happy because of it, it's suddenly psychologically unhealthy.

Jesus Christ, I just heard someone else say it on a different show. Fuck you, people.

Houses

I am going to look for houses this week and weekend. Gotta get my butt in gear. So, everyone, this is your notification that I am going to look for houses.

I just got my car fixed - new brakes and spark plugs and wheel alignment. It's so nice now!

Today

Today was a shitty day, no surprise. I have never felt so worthless and pointless in my life. What's the point of even writing this? Nobody cares, not even me. This blog is ridiculous and so is my existence.

Outing

I went on a short outing today that involved about 45 minutes at the very most outside in cloudy weather and maybe an hour in the car, and I just noticed that my sunburn has deepened. I wish I remembered more often that a) I sunburn when it's cloudy and b) It only takes like 10 minutes to burn in sunny weather and probably 20 in cloudy. I stupidly didn't think I needed sunscreen. I didn't think I'd be outside long enough. Thank God I at least put some moisturizer on my face that had SPF 15. That probably saved me a lot of pain.

::Roasts, takes bite out of arm:: MMM!

Holy shit, how can you text 100 words per minute? That's way faster than most typists. That must use T9 or something. However, I call bullshit.

Beds

I have never enjoyed my bed as much as I did last night. Nothing like days of sleeping on the ground to get your sleeping priorities straight. SO COMFY. I'm going to eat pancakes now!

Kitty

I miss my kitty already.

Drunk

I have no tolerance left for alc. I am going to try to write a blog entry.

Today was a shitty day. I have a lot of those. It was a little different than usual. It wasn't depressed, just angry. 

I have this issue where if someone says something negative towards me about my mood, it really really upsets me. 

I don't really hold back with what I say, so that means people hear the good along with the bad, and a lot of times I have a lot of bad moods in a row. I think that most people are like that. Maybe I talk too much or something.

I can only really think of three times where someone directly said something to me about my mood, and one of them was today. It was then hinted at that I was overreacting. I guess to that person's perspective maybe I was. They don't know that it really bothers me.

The reason I had to go to the hospital for so long was because I am really ashamed of having a mood disorder and I have an irrational worry that everyone hates me because of what it makes me do. When someone "Confirms" that in my mind it just isn't good, to say the least.

I know I am a good person, but there are things that people say to me that make it seem like having depression outweighs any kind of good person I am. For me it raises a combination of anger and sadness. What percentage of happy do I have to be for someone not to hate me, not say mean things to me, or start talking to me?

I need to stop twitter because I am not going to stick around a place that hurts me like that. I don't deserve to feel bad about myself, and I do feel bad about myself 90% of the time on there. And it shows in what I talk about. I am not happy with how things go there. I don't fit in and it doesn't fit with me. Today was the last straw. It's not worth it anymore.

The last two times someone said something like that to me, it took me a long time to realize that I don't actually deserve to feel bad about having mood problems. It's something that I have, and I'm dealing with it, sometimes badly, sometimes really well. Those people that said things to me don't have to deal with it, they don't know what it's like, and they don't have any basis for making comments. Whoever tries to use that against me is just mean. I don't have to punish myself by sticking around, and I won't.